Have you ever met someone and felt that you have known them? Or perhaps you had a relationship and for some unknown reason it ended, but the two of you still feel linked together despite the break by some invisible umbilical cord? Do you have long distance friendships that maintain a strong, loving bond and a comfortable aura despite the miles and time between visits?
We do connect on the Energic Level with those in our lives. If you are a woman and carried a child, your child was in your energy and continued to be in your energy as you nursed and cared for him or her in the beginning years. This can be seen when observing infants and toddlers as they quickly cling to their mothers in the presence of strangers. This bond between mother and child is real and it, too, is a bond on the Energic Level. Making love to and with the most wonderful person in the world takes the lovers beyond the physical level as they share their energies melding them into one. The two become One.They are united. They are united in energy. Love is energy. They are united in love.
In our personal relationships it does not matter what happens, one loves unconditionally. One makes the effort to understand what happened, what moved them to behave a certain way or to do something or to say something. Mistakes and misunderstandings are overlooked because the love is unconditional. Each person forgives. Most probably, no one keeps score. Those who accept others without judgment love unconditionally.
There are many people we cross paths with and we choose not to befriend them. It may be they wear different clothes or we assume that we have nothing in common. Perhaps, you feel uncomfortable around them--sometimes in this case we are really picking up that this person is uncomfortable around us. For whatever reason that we continue to exclude others from our inner circle, it all comes down judgment and assumptions. It also boils down to the exchange of energy between you. What if everyone could see people as God sees them? Not as Peggy, Joe or Mary in a body of skin and hair and maybe Gothic clothes, but as Peggy, Joe or Mary in a spirit. Who we are is magnificent and wondrous. We are not our personalities and our egos, but indeed we are Souls and we are Spirit.
I am not suggesting that you do not maintain your boundaries or make discernment's, I am proposing that you consider a much larger picture of life. In 100 billion galaxies with 100 billion stars in each, is there more to us than just skin and egos? I believe that there is far more to each of us and our Universe, and every single person is perfect. Looking beyond our skin and our egos each one of us is absolutely perfect. What does this have to do with energy?
We are perfect because we of of God/Divine/Creator/Buddha.....any name of any deity that you wish to use. A rose is a rose no matter what language you use to name it. In the moment that you believe that you are perfect and not just made and separate from your Creator is the moment you begin to awaken. You love your child because you Know your child. You love your lover because you know your lover. You feel that bond with the stranger you meet and feel like you have known each other a long time because you have. Beyond your conscious mind, you know this person. Your connection on the Energic Level through your energy body is very real. Each of us is of the same energy and particles that make up the Universe. We are energy. We are love. We are inter-connected. This is something so wondrous and awesome that at first one is overwhelmed and perhaps even skeptical.
As we were taught as youngsters, God is in everything, everywhere. Someone forgot to also include that God is within us. As you accept and believe that you are perfect and of God you will begin to see others as God and Spirit sees us. In walking in our Light we find freedom. For in Light, there can be no darkness, therefore dark thoughts including doubt, jealousy, concern or worry cannot exist in your Mind.
I do believe that is why I love my work as a Soul Coach ®. My passion is to help others clear away all of this ego clutter and to understand that in each moment that the experience just lived in that moment creates us anew. We are a new person many times throughout a single day. It is the insistence of keeping a life story that impedes one's ability to lovingly create and connect with All That Is. Through understanding self-talk, beliefs, learned behaviors and assumptions that make it possible to detach from all that is not in one's highest good, providing a clear path for him or her to re-connect with the Soul, the very path to feeling once again the connection to God/Divine/Creator. Joy, pure joy!
You and I am Creator. You and I are magnificent and perfect. We are inter-connected with the umbilical cord that is energy- that is Love. Bless others with good health, prosperity, abundance, clarity, peace and love (even if you must do this silently in your mind) for in doing so you are blessing your Self. You are worthy of living a life of abundance, clarity, joy, love and peace as it is your Divine Right.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Why So Hellbent on Believing on a Person is Sheer Evil?
We all have been affected by the tragedy in Aurora in some way. We can all agree that the victims, their families, the witnesses to the rampage in the theatre and the aftermath are all profoundly affected. Prayers from around the world are made in earnest, but are there any prayers for the killer?
I can feel the outrage in the responses in questioning the active prayers for the killer. Understandably so. For years it has been taught in many cultures an eye for an eye. But, has it been taught to believe that a killer just woke up one day in his happy go lucky Self, his Loving Self that is his connection to the Creator and in his most loving and joyous state of being take the life and maim his brother for the mere sake of doing so? This is not a question of sanity or an excuse to kill or a pardon. It is merely an effort to understand why as a "Nation Under God" do we not exhibit His love; instead we choose an emotional reaction of hate and revenge.
Discernment is necessary in being human, as is having boundaries and consequences. I am not advocating excusing any violent behavior, I am advocating that we see these tragedies as a reminder to send Love to those who do no longer recognize their Source, their Soul nor recognize their Self. Have none of us had a moment of emotional outburst when we behaved in a manner that we regret? Most of us cannot even fathom the depth of the darkness of the mind or emotions that could move a loving being to take such incomprehensible and appalling actions. We have never personally experienced anything of this magnitude, therefore, for us, we choose to believe that if we did not experience it, it cannot be.
Quite limiting in our loving nature, isn't it? To wish that another human being was pure evil and in his loving mind and heart chose monstrous and wicked behavior against another. In truth, the idea that other human beings are evil and perhaps sitting next to me on a bus or in a stadium is quite more frightening and disheartening than the thought that humans that are profoundly affected could lose their ability to love and reason.
To love and reason. Love is originates in the heart, in Spirit. To reason is a function of the Mind. Yes, it definitely is an issue that the suspect meticulously planned out this entire nightmare, therefore leaving us to question the validity of his innocence by insanity. We can be assured that his defense will defend him in the light that he was delusional during the planning and the systemic attack.
We can agree that the suspect should not walk among us in our daily lives. We can agree that his actions are in the very least reprehensible. The question is can we as a "Nation Under God" begin to pray for the Soul and Spirit of this man? Can we feel and know in our hearts that to help one man is to help ourselves? We are not praising him, excusing him nor are we pardoning him. We are praying for ourselves. Should anyone of us ever have a moment that we need the Grace of God and for others to understand our humanness, would not this be the same?
Humanity requires us to show people how to love, not to tell them to do it. Humanity requires all of us to forgive which is not to condone, nor forget, nor accept- forgiving is for the sake of Self as well as the sake of all humanity. Why would we choose to hold onto hate and hostility? These emotions serve only to bring us down. We can hold another accountable in our system without allowing ourselves to be beguiled by fear and live in hate. To live this way- in tremendous fear and hate is not only unhealthy, it is not the intent of our human experience. These emotions are polar to our innate loving selves and our connection to our Creator,our Source or our God.
Many scriptures come to mind as well as non-religious tenets, but they need not be cited. What is important to hear and to feel is your own Truth. This can be done when you sit in solitude, allowing the mind to rest as it is part of our Ego and personality, you want to feel and hear the Soul and Spirit. In the moments of connecting to your Creator and your loving Self allow yourself to feel your love, your Truth and the direction you must take. What would truly benefit not only you, but all of humanity in these trying times.
In silence we must also ask, do we wish to be part of the solution or do we wish to continue doing business as it has always been done, reaping the same results as it always has? Is Mother Earth and humanity in a better place? Only if we help it.
I can feel the outrage in the responses in questioning the active prayers for the killer. Understandably so. For years it has been taught in many cultures an eye for an eye. But, has it been taught to believe that a killer just woke up one day in his happy go lucky Self, his Loving Self that is his connection to the Creator and in his most loving and joyous state of being take the life and maim his brother for the mere sake of doing so? This is not a question of sanity or an excuse to kill or a pardon. It is merely an effort to understand why as a "Nation Under God" do we not exhibit His love; instead we choose an emotional reaction of hate and revenge.
Discernment is necessary in being human, as is having boundaries and consequences. I am not advocating excusing any violent behavior, I am advocating that we see these tragedies as a reminder to send Love to those who do no longer recognize their Source, their Soul nor recognize their Self. Have none of us had a moment of emotional outburst when we behaved in a manner that we regret? Most of us cannot even fathom the depth of the darkness of the mind or emotions that could move a loving being to take such incomprehensible and appalling actions. We have never personally experienced anything of this magnitude, therefore, for us, we choose to believe that if we did not experience it, it cannot be.
Quite limiting in our loving nature, isn't it? To wish that another human being was pure evil and in his loving mind and heart chose monstrous and wicked behavior against another. In truth, the idea that other human beings are evil and perhaps sitting next to me on a bus or in a stadium is quite more frightening and disheartening than the thought that humans that are profoundly affected could lose their ability to love and reason.
To love and reason. Love is originates in the heart, in Spirit. To reason is a function of the Mind. Yes, it definitely is an issue that the suspect meticulously planned out this entire nightmare, therefore leaving us to question the validity of his innocence by insanity. We can be assured that his defense will defend him in the light that he was delusional during the planning and the systemic attack.
We can agree that the suspect should not walk among us in our daily lives. We can agree that his actions are in the very least reprehensible. The question is can we as a "Nation Under God" begin to pray for the Soul and Spirit of this man? Can we feel and know in our hearts that to help one man is to help ourselves? We are not praising him, excusing him nor are we pardoning him. We are praying for ourselves. Should anyone of us ever have a moment that we need the Grace of God and for others to understand our humanness, would not this be the same?
Humanity requires us to show people how to love, not to tell them to do it. Humanity requires all of us to forgive which is not to condone, nor forget, nor accept- forgiving is for the sake of Self as well as the sake of all humanity. Why would we choose to hold onto hate and hostility? These emotions serve only to bring us down. We can hold another accountable in our system without allowing ourselves to be beguiled by fear and live in hate. To live this way- in tremendous fear and hate is not only unhealthy, it is not the intent of our human experience. These emotions are polar to our innate loving selves and our connection to our Creator,our Source or our God.
Many scriptures come to mind as well as non-religious tenets, but they need not be cited. What is important to hear and to feel is your own Truth. This can be done when you sit in solitude, allowing the mind to rest as it is part of our Ego and personality, you want to feel and hear the Soul and Spirit. In the moments of connecting to your Creator and your loving Self allow yourself to feel your love, your Truth and the direction you must take. What would truly benefit not only you, but all of humanity in these trying times.
In silence we must also ask, do we wish to be part of the solution or do we wish to continue doing business as it has always been done, reaping the same results as it always has? Is Mother Earth and humanity in a better place? Only if we help it.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Serving Humanity is Silent
I am planning to live to be 120 years old which gives me 43,800 days to spend. Too bad I could not live on one dollar a day. I am grateful that I have so many days, but should I have miscalculated and I only live to be 80, my bank of days would only be 29,200. Do I wish to spend each day existing or living? What is living? I could utter today's buzzwords and believe that I should live my life's purpose, my mission and I should raise my consciousness. I could merely be happy by being grateful for each breath that I take that defines the fact that I am indeed still alive. I am sure that if I took all of these ideals, ideas, values and understandings they would all be in the mix of what I should be doing with my life, but is it enough and do I really live this way?
What does it mean to raise our consciousness? Does it mean our own consciousness, all of humanity's or just the consciousness of those who follow our rules? Where do we raise them to? Do we define this as bringing our soul to consciousness or do we understand that we are Light or Love and whose definition? Is there a higher aspiration than raising consciousness? What is my mission? As I follow discussions on these issues one thing becomes very clear to me, we are searching for these answers. We ask others, we read books and we attend workshops and fly to another city to hear someone we trust entirely to tell us what it is that we need to hear.
Why is it that so many need to hear what it is that should be done, or felt or thought? We do know that there are many people that have these needs. These people have been directed for so long that they no longer have the ability to think or feel for themselves. I often think of how George Orwell used animals in Animal Farm to depict how our society functions. In doing so, he astutely paints the picture of those animals who want to be fed and taken care of, but do not do well unless someone else is leading the barnyard and giving directions. The big question is why do these animals or these humans in real life live in fear and chose to relinquish their responsibilities for self? How do we eradicate that fear and what do we replace that fear with?
There are so many loving souls that do live by their values and walk in their purpose. These wonderful people generously give to help others discover their true calling, find Self Love, find their life's purpose, their soul's mission, raise their consciousness, find God and maybe simply improve themselves and their lives. We have wonderful Life Coaches, mediums, healers and members of the Clergy who dedicate themselves to helping others find what it is that they alone cannot. This is wonderful. This is empowering and it is selfless. For many this is a calling and I respect it as so. I hold gratitude for this work and those who do it.
We have all of this help for those who recognize that they need it. After finding an answer or being helped in one's life, does one continue to look for answers and continue to seek growth? I was provoked to think about these concerns after attending an appearance of a beloved teacher of many this past weekend. I had never heard of him before, but I drove a good friend into the city to hear his words as she had been his student for many years. A man behind me asked me why I was attending and followed my response by admonishing me that I had no right to hear this man as I did not have Knowledge. The rest of this conversation I shall leave for the next blog, but for this moment is needs to be written that this is an example of my question, my concern, my point. I listened to those around me for two hours and I discovered that for them, this man, his words, his direction was the only Way. The only source of the answers to what they were seeking.
As I waited in the venue for my friend to finish her volunteer work, I watched the audience with interest. Some attendees could not escape fast enough. I had my feet stomped on and I was knocked to the side by another older woman. I stood at the landing of the steps and continued taking in the atmosphere. I was expecting more people to be patient, smiling, courteous and calm as they excited the seating areas. Certainly, we had all just been moved to live in our Hearts and to be loving. Yet, though many of those rushing out to their cars and hotels had already forgotten the words. I took solace in those who smiled as they passed, radiating joy and love. My friend approached, her eyes dancing with joy, she glowed; it was beyond happiness, it was a white light emitting from her energy. The answer to my question.
I wondered if we continued to seek what it was we were missing. I contemplated about those who never consider the subject. I wanted to know if the people who thought about each day as a wondrous gift, actively and purposefully live their life to the fullest. The most probable answer is that many do, many do not, but it is definitely not something to fear. Remembering that we are all connected, we are all of Source must be felt and understood in terms of all humanity, even those not of our faith and those who do not feel worthy. Those who left the venue smiling and radiating already were Knowing, they already understood that continuing to live in Word is the way. They did not question their work nor did they seem concerned about how many they could affect in a loving way. They remember that each time that anyone of us lifts up one human being, including ourselves, we lift up all of humanity. We cannot choose whom to lift nor may we judge others to be exempt of our love, our gifts, our healing and our Light. To live each day as if it were the most wondrous gift is the present to humanity. It does not matter how humanity learns to live and those who understand know that their work and their efforts to advance humanity does not require recognition, nor do they need it. All that matters is the way they choose to spend their day.
What does it mean to raise our consciousness? Does it mean our own consciousness, all of humanity's or just the consciousness of those who follow our rules? Where do we raise them to? Do we define this as bringing our soul to consciousness or do we understand that we are Light or Love and whose definition? Is there a higher aspiration than raising consciousness? What is my mission? As I follow discussions on these issues one thing becomes very clear to me, we are searching for these answers. We ask others, we read books and we attend workshops and fly to another city to hear someone we trust entirely to tell us what it is that we need to hear.
Why is it that so many need to hear what it is that should be done, or felt or thought? We do know that there are many people that have these needs. These people have been directed for so long that they no longer have the ability to think or feel for themselves. I often think of how George Orwell used animals in Animal Farm to depict how our society functions. In doing so, he astutely paints the picture of those animals who want to be fed and taken care of, but do not do well unless someone else is leading the barnyard and giving directions. The big question is why do these animals or these humans in real life live in fear and chose to relinquish their responsibilities for self? How do we eradicate that fear and what do we replace that fear with?
There are so many loving souls that do live by their values and walk in their purpose. These wonderful people generously give to help others discover their true calling, find Self Love, find their life's purpose, their soul's mission, raise their consciousness, find God and maybe simply improve themselves and their lives. We have wonderful Life Coaches, mediums, healers and members of the Clergy who dedicate themselves to helping others find what it is that they alone cannot. This is wonderful. This is empowering and it is selfless. For many this is a calling and I respect it as so. I hold gratitude for this work and those who do it.
We have all of this help for those who recognize that they need it. After finding an answer or being helped in one's life, does one continue to look for answers and continue to seek growth? I was provoked to think about these concerns after attending an appearance of a beloved teacher of many this past weekend. I had never heard of him before, but I drove a good friend into the city to hear his words as she had been his student for many years. A man behind me asked me why I was attending and followed my response by admonishing me that I had no right to hear this man as I did not have Knowledge. The rest of this conversation I shall leave for the next blog, but for this moment is needs to be written that this is an example of my question, my concern, my point. I listened to those around me for two hours and I discovered that for them, this man, his words, his direction was the only Way. The only source of the answers to what they were seeking.
As I waited in the venue for my friend to finish her volunteer work, I watched the audience with interest. Some attendees could not escape fast enough. I had my feet stomped on and I was knocked to the side by another older woman. I stood at the landing of the steps and continued taking in the atmosphere. I was expecting more people to be patient, smiling, courteous and calm as they excited the seating areas. Certainly, we had all just been moved to live in our Hearts and to be loving. Yet, though many of those rushing out to their cars and hotels had already forgotten the words. I took solace in those who smiled as they passed, radiating joy and love. My friend approached, her eyes dancing with joy, she glowed; it was beyond happiness, it was a white light emitting from her energy. The answer to my question.
I wondered if we continued to seek what it was we were missing. I contemplated about those who never consider the subject. I wanted to know if the people who thought about each day as a wondrous gift, actively and purposefully live their life to the fullest. The most probable answer is that many do, many do not, but it is definitely not something to fear. Remembering that we are all connected, we are all of Source must be felt and understood in terms of all humanity, even those not of our faith and those who do not feel worthy. Those who left the venue smiling and radiating already were Knowing, they already understood that continuing to live in Word is the way. They did not question their work nor did they seem concerned about how many they could affect in a loving way. They remember that each time that anyone of us lifts up one human being, including ourselves, we lift up all of humanity. We cannot choose whom to lift nor may we judge others to be exempt of our love, our gifts, our healing and our Light. To live each day as if it were the most wondrous gift is the present to humanity. It does not matter how humanity learns to live and those who understand know that their work and their efforts to advance humanity does not require recognition, nor do they need it. All that matters is the way they choose to spend their day.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Dear son - my firstborn and treasured child,
Gazing upon the picture of you and your girlfriend I see sheer happiness and love. Your eyes dance, even in the pouring rain. For the first time in many years, I see the little boy who loves life. I write this letter to you, not to relay my approval, but to hopefully further open the door to your heart and to release all fears of abandonment, release all pain incurred by eroneous misunderstandings and to release all misconceptions of how a loved one behaves toward another. I am not in your daily life enabling me to have these parental discussions with you, maybe in time I will be.
You have heard many things about me, many of those you are unaware of my knowledge of them. Ah, your mind asks how could I know about them? Your lack of communication, your body language when you have just spent time with certain individuals, your defensiveness on those occasions and the mere fact that you seem to have only one parent and it does not seem to be me. I am exceptionally insightful, perceptive and quite often I am given these truths.
There is nothing that I can defend or say. You see, to defend myself would be to speak truthfully about individuals which would not only place you in the middle by both parents actions, it would also cause you greater pain than you already are experiencing. To share with you the truths behind my actions would be just as destructive. It is not my intent to ask you choose sides nor is it my intent to place upon you the heavy burden truth that should remain only between the two individuals that it belongs to.
My loving son, you are the most compassionate, loving, giving human being. You are always more than fair to others, maybe sometimes to the point you are not fair to yourself. You are a peacemaker. I am sorry to have made peace in your presence to the exclusion of loving myself. I believed that keeping peace at all cost was protecting all three of you children to learn that I really was teaching you to sell yourself out at all costs. Please forgive me.
Looking back I recollect the days, nights and weekends that I did not see you during the tumultuous times. It was not because I abandoned you or was not there- I was. Your brother and sister were with me always. Holidays, during your games and wrestling matches, before school and after. Each school day I would be with them doing laundry, cooking dinner, assisting with homework and even cleaning the house. My departure from Lovell Gulch was always just before you came home, not out of not wanting to see you, but because of my need to have safe departure and to ensure calm seas for the three of you. I missed you then so terribly. The pain was unbearable prompting me to move back in after the divorce thinking that being a mother was far more important than anything I would have to endure.
Son, I never left you. I was demanded to leave the first time. Having already found the phone numbers, home addresses and phone bills, I accepted that your father had already moved on and was dating while we were married was not conducive to fighting to stay that horrible night that you overheard his command. So much happened behind closed doors, so much happened outside of your home. It is not something I wish to inflict upon you nor re-live by writing it to you. For so long, I thought you would ask questions so I kept boxes and boxes of evidence of my innocence. I often hoped you would want to know, you would question what you were told. Now, it doesn't matter.
You matter - what you know doesn't matter. I trust in you, your love, your Spirit. You see son, I have seen the "knowing" in you. I have witnessed your heart and your ability to love, love yourself and others. I have felt your Spirit. I have had the honor of knowing that you kept a promise given on a deathbed demonstrating your integrity. You have worked for goals with perserverance, determination and intense focus. You have given to others out of extreme compassion without ever a thought of what was in it for you. You are one of the most honest people I know. I am very blessed to witness your Spirit in life.
I remember observing you "knowing" things small children do not know, reading the Bible which seemed to be inspired from some need within and I remember so many occasions when you would speak the truth as you experienced it. There were times I vividly remember watching with great awe and shock as I witnessed the verbal lashing you would receive as you stood standing bravely in your truthfulness, the vehemently spoken words thrown at you changing your reality, your knowing.
Having your paradigm or your reality shifted is not an accusation of weakness nor considered a fault. It is an incredible manipulation of the mind. I could see it. I understand it because I lived it myself. To explain it more clearly son, it could be likened to Doublethink and Doublespeak as demonstrated in George Orwell's, 1984. This is not something one is aware of, it is subtle. It is a learned behavior. It follows the belief and statement often used, "A good defense is a good offense." I often blamed myself from not saving you from this experience, yet, with time, I have learned that it was not my place to do so. No more than it was my mother's place to save me from it either. What is important is what I now do as a mother to assist your healing.
As I pray daily with the intention of your healing and strength I pray for courage that you may feel your Soul, know thy Spirit, to feel your heart so full of love, I do not pray with the intention to change your reality. It is my intention to ask your forgiveness as I have not been successful in winning the ability to stay in your life and by doing so, help you to stay true to your soul, your truth.
Dear son, I do not wish to ever hash "he said she said". I do not wish to ever discuss the past and have never desired to, at least in the past six years. It is why I have always remained silent. As a lawyer you know that the innocent does not need to prove their innocence, the accuser must bear the responsibility of proving one's guilt. I do not need to prove my innocence, and should I have wanted to prove anyone's guilt I had ample boxes of ammunition. Yet, I stayed silent. I still do. You are that important to me.
Your life, your being is so very important to me. So much so, that as I have written in the beginning that to impart your parents truth upon you would be to impart harsh, unbearable pain. I have lived those truths, it is unnecessary for you to live them. You have your own dark moments to endure and live through. All that I desire is to be your mother. I wish to be allowed to shower you with attention, love, gifts and support. I long to hold you, hug you and share your most joyous moments as well as those which cause you grief. I pine to be let in. I seek to be released from punishment of a crime not committed and above all, again, to be your mother.
You have heard many things about me, many of those you are unaware of my knowledge of them. Ah, your mind asks how could I know about them? Your lack of communication, your body language when you have just spent time with certain individuals, your defensiveness on those occasions and the mere fact that you seem to have only one parent and it does not seem to be me. I am exceptionally insightful, perceptive and quite often I am given these truths.
There is nothing that I can defend or say. You see, to defend myself would be to speak truthfully about individuals which would not only place you in the middle by both parents actions, it would also cause you greater pain than you already are experiencing. To share with you the truths behind my actions would be just as destructive. It is not my intent to ask you choose sides nor is it my intent to place upon you the heavy burden truth that should remain only between the two individuals that it belongs to.
My loving son, you are the most compassionate, loving, giving human being. You are always more than fair to others, maybe sometimes to the point you are not fair to yourself. You are a peacemaker. I am sorry to have made peace in your presence to the exclusion of loving myself. I believed that keeping peace at all cost was protecting all three of you children to learn that I really was teaching you to sell yourself out at all costs. Please forgive me.
Looking back I recollect the days, nights and weekends that I did not see you during the tumultuous times. It was not because I abandoned you or was not there- I was. Your brother and sister were with me always. Holidays, during your games and wrestling matches, before school and after. Each school day I would be with them doing laundry, cooking dinner, assisting with homework and even cleaning the house. My departure from Lovell Gulch was always just before you came home, not out of not wanting to see you, but because of my need to have safe departure and to ensure calm seas for the three of you. I missed you then so terribly. The pain was unbearable prompting me to move back in after the divorce thinking that being a mother was far more important than anything I would have to endure.
Son, I never left you. I was demanded to leave the first time. Having already found the phone numbers, home addresses and phone bills, I accepted that your father had already moved on and was dating while we were married was not conducive to fighting to stay that horrible night that you overheard his command. So much happened behind closed doors, so much happened outside of your home. It is not something I wish to inflict upon you nor re-live by writing it to you. For so long, I thought you would ask questions so I kept boxes and boxes of evidence of my innocence. I often hoped you would want to know, you would question what you were told. Now, it doesn't matter.
You matter - what you know doesn't matter. I trust in you, your love, your Spirit. You see son, I have seen the "knowing" in you. I have witnessed your heart and your ability to love, love yourself and others. I have felt your Spirit. I have had the honor of knowing that you kept a promise given on a deathbed demonstrating your integrity. You have worked for goals with perserverance, determination and intense focus. You have given to others out of extreme compassion without ever a thought of what was in it for you. You are one of the most honest people I know. I am very blessed to witness your Spirit in life.
I remember observing you "knowing" things small children do not know, reading the Bible which seemed to be inspired from some need within and I remember so many occasions when you would speak the truth as you experienced it. There were times I vividly remember watching with great awe and shock as I witnessed the verbal lashing you would receive as you stood standing bravely in your truthfulness, the vehemently spoken words thrown at you changing your reality, your knowing.
Having your paradigm or your reality shifted is not an accusation of weakness nor considered a fault. It is an incredible manipulation of the mind. I could see it. I understand it because I lived it myself. To explain it more clearly son, it could be likened to Doublethink and Doublespeak as demonstrated in George Orwell's, 1984. This is not something one is aware of, it is subtle. It is a learned behavior. It follows the belief and statement often used, "A good defense is a good offense." I often blamed myself from not saving you from this experience, yet, with time, I have learned that it was not my place to do so. No more than it was my mother's place to save me from it either. What is important is what I now do as a mother to assist your healing.
As I pray daily with the intention of your healing and strength I pray for courage that you may feel your Soul, know thy Spirit, to feel your heart so full of love, I do not pray with the intention to change your reality. It is my intention to ask your forgiveness as I have not been successful in winning the ability to stay in your life and by doing so, help you to stay true to your soul, your truth.
Dear son, I do not wish to ever hash "he said she said". I do not wish to ever discuss the past and have never desired to, at least in the past six years. It is why I have always remained silent. As a lawyer you know that the innocent does not need to prove their innocence, the accuser must bear the responsibility of proving one's guilt. I do not need to prove my innocence, and should I have wanted to prove anyone's guilt I had ample boxes of ammunition. Yet, I stayed silent. I still do. You are that important to me.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
It's Too Ugly, It Must Not Be True
As I read Dan Wetzel's story on the guilty verdicts for Sandusky, my heart openly sobbed. Wetzel's piece drives the point home about Juror #4 taking eight minutes to enunciate each of the counts and guilty verdicts against Jerry Sandusky. The story then continues on and describes the reactions of the Sandusky family, the victims and the jubilation reverberating throughout the courthouse. Most profoundly moving was the regret of the victim that did not come forward sooner and by doing so may have prevented more victims from abuse, the frustration of the police with the District Attorney and the Assistant Coach that turned it over to Penn State to handle to learn that they didn't.
I sobbed for the victims, the jurors, the town who in some ways must feel violated and betrayed and the mother who forced her son to continue to go back and now suffers immense pain for only wanting a father figure for her son. She was not wrong, she too, was betrayed. After I read Wetzel's article I felt incredible pain for Sandusky's Soul. The man stood there without emotion. His family sobbed and were horrified at the jury, yet, he stood there as if he had no feelings. Perhaps he was emotionally prepared or he is still in denial.
Above all, my heart bled for humanity. How many people will rejoice at the loss of life? How many will take the seat of Judgment and spew forth their venom? How many will support Sandusky's lifestyle choices?
As a victim of sexual crimes, I know what Jerry has done to his victims and I know their scars. I wonder what his wife must have thought when she knew she was not allowed in the basement during those times he was with a victim. What about his children? Could none of them see the pain or shame in the eyes of the victims? Have we as a whole quit looking into the eyes, the soul of others? Is it much easier to not see than to live a life of love? Will they begin to question the past or their actions?
I do hurt for Sandusky. He has lost his soul or at the very least his Ego has cut him off from it. How dark it must be to be able to use a charity to find a pool of vulnerable victims. How lost is his Soul? How far removed? Is it possible for Sandusky to touch it again, to retrieve it? Can he ever know his Creator? Will the darkness that permeates his Being ever allow him to feel again?
Will we as a whole be able to pray for all of the victims and all affected by this wake of truth? Can we find it in our hearts to pray for the family of Sandusky and he himself? What does reaction say about us as humans? What does our most inner knowing, our Soul compel us to do?
Sandusky's behavior is not condoned, nor is the choices made by those who chose not to see the truth. I do not believe that they covered up for Sandusky, I believe that the truth was too ugly and it was much easier to believe Sandusky. How can I say this? I lived it. In all truth, I lived it. Glory to the Coach who saves children, it must be a witch hunt. I lived the frustation of the victims. The point is I am not taking Sandusky's side, nor approving his behavior.I am not persecuting those who should have done something and didn't. What is important is what they do with what we have all learned from this story. What each walks away with from this story and what we will or will not choose to see and hear from now on is important. We are the victim, the town, the assistant coach, the D.A. and in some small way when we ignore the pain of others, we are Sandusky. We are One.
I sobbed for the victims, the jurors, the town who in some ways must feel violated and betrayed and the mother who forced her son to continue to go back and now suffers immense pain for only wanting a father figure for her son. She was not wrong, she too, was betrayed. After I read Wetzel's article I felt incredible pain for Sandusky's Soul. The man stood there without emotion. His family sobbed and were horrified at the jury, yet, he stood there as if he had no feelings. Perhaps he was emotionally prepared or he is still in denial.Above all, my heart bled for humanity. How many people will rejoice at the loss of life? How many will take the seat of Judgment and spew forth their venom? How many will support Sandusky's lifestyle choices?
As a victim of sexual crimes, I know what Jerry has done to his victims and I know their scars. I wonder what his wife must have thought when she knew she was not allowed in the basement during those times he was with a victim. What about his children? Could none of them see the pain or shame in the eyes of the victims? Have we as a whole quit looking into the eyes, the soul of others? Is it much easier to not see than to live a life of love? Will they begin to question the past or their actions?
I do hurt for Sandusky. He has lost his soul or at the very least his Ego has cut him off from it. How dark it must be to be able to use a charity to find a pool of vulnerable victims. How lost is his Soul? How far removed? Is it possible for Sandusky to touch it again, to retrieve it? Can he ever know his Creator? Will the darkness that permeates his Being ever allow him to feel again?
Will we as a whole be able to pray for all of the victims and all affected by this wake of truth? Can we find it in our hearts to pray for the family of Sandusky and he himself? What does reaction say about us as humans? What does our most inner knowing, our Soul compel us to do?
Sandusky's behavior is not condoned, nor is the choices made by those who chose not to see the truth. I do not believe that they covered up for Sandusky, I believe that the truth was too ugly and it was much easier to believe Sandusky. How can I say this? I lived it. In all truth, I lived it. Glory to the Coach who saves children, it must be a witch hunt. I lived the frustation of the victims. The point is I am not taking Sandusky's side, nor approving his behavior.I am not persecuting those who should have done something and didn't. What is important is what they do with what we have all learned from this story. What each walks away with from this story and what we will or will not choose to see and hear from now on is important. We are the victim, the town, the assistant coach, the D.A. and in some small way when we ignore the pain of others, we are Sandusky. We are One.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Chaos Gives Birth to Bozo, the Brunette
The first red flag at the hairdresser's should have been the fact the guy had too many time slots to choose from at the last minute, the second should have been that he turned my back to the mirror. I walked in a blonde and came out a bozo doo brunette and all my mind can come up with is either he is color-blind and helpless with scissors or he is a sadist toward women. Considering how hard he yanked on my hair with a comb pulling handfuls of hair out, as well as the painful shampoo followed by a cold rinse, I am leaning towards the idea that he does not like women.
I truly blame myself. No, I am not a victim or taking any blame off the cold, giant, color-blind hairdresser. I should have held him at scissor point and forced him to rinse the goop of death out of my hair when I discovered that he had applied it to most of my hair when I only came in to have the gray roots treated. I should have taken control of hairdresser's chair when he turned my back to the mirror and he began to beat my hair and head with his brush of toxic chemicals. So, why didn't I? Why didn't I jump out of the chair and rip that brush out of his hand and challenge him to a duo?
Old habits of being a maker of peace die hard. Forty-two years of conditioning and brainwashing cannot be un-learned overnight as much as we wish they were. Loving oneself requires being gentle, understanding and patient. Being your own advocate requires constant mindfulness to remain a self advocate. Most of the time I can remain aware of myself, my need to stand up to adversity in flesh form. The Attack of Hair Monster was not one of those times. Sometimes, I feel like the rat who has successfully jumped out of the maze and fell back in for a momentary dose of yesteryear. A dose of chaos. Chaos can be extremely motivational.
According to ancient mythology, Chaos gave birth to Gaia and Eros without a mate. Gaia (Earth) gave birth to Uranus (heaven or sky). Gaia, Eros and Uranus- All That Is. Chaos gave birth to all that is. Chaos still continues to sweep in to our lives taking charge of things and re-directing our plans for ourselves. It has been chaos that has forced me to follow my path, my purpose. I imagine it is pretty much true for most of us. No one has ever woken up on a bright, sunny morning and said, "Wow! Life is grand. It is without pain, detours and problems. I think I will work on being a better person, making better decisions, walk with God." No, pretty much, we have to feel pain to change. This is none of those things thrown right at you. Thank you, Chaos. Another curve ball.
I cannot say the ditsy, brunette doo itself was and is entirely painful. Not being listened to, asked, consulted or pampered was painful. Truthfully, no one pays big money to have their hair done without expecting to be pampered, otherwise they would do it theirselves. I would do my own doo if it were not for the pampering. What will my inner Goddess do now? She likes herself just the way God made her, but without gray roots.
My Inner Goddess is going to ride shotgun with this strange brunette woman over to the salon next week on the one and only day that the owner is in. Before my Inner Goddess allows Bozo the Brunette to leave the house, she is going to remind her of how the Giant Bully tried to charge her for blow drying her hair as she stood at the counter with a dripping, wet fro. Just before she opens the salon door to meet the owner, Bozo the Brunette will look at a picture of herself with blonde hair giving her all the strength and couage of David. My Inner Goddess has fallen in love with my power, my self-perseverance. She knows that if I am going to continue to become strong in myself, if I am to re-claim my power, I have to address the "little" issues as well as the big bullies. I really like my Inner Goddess. No, I love her.
I truly blame myself. No, I am not a victim or taking any blame off the cold, giant, color-blind hairdresser. I should have held him at scissor point and forced him to rinse the goop of death out of my hair when I discovered that he had applied it to most of my hair when I only came in to have the gray roots treated. I should have taken control of hairdresser's chair when he turned my back to the mirror and he began to beat my hair and head with his brush of toxic chemicals. So, why didn't I? Why didn't I jump out of the chair and rip that brush out of his hand and challenge him to a duo?
Old habits of being a maker of peace die hard. Forty-two years of conditioning and brainwashing cannot be un-learned overnight as much as we wish they were. Loving oneself requires being gentle, understanding and patient. Being your own advocate requires constant mindfulness to remain a self advocate. Most of the time I can remain aware of myself, my need to stand up to adversity in flesh form. The Attack of Hair Monster was not one of those times. Sometimes, I feel like the rat who has successfully jumped out of the maze and fell back in for a momentary dose of yesteryear. A dose of chaos. Chaos can be extremely motivational.
According to ancient mythology, Chaos gave birth to Gaia and Eros without a mate. Gaia (Earth) gave birth to Uranus (heaven or sky). Gaia, Eros and Uranus- All That Is. Chaos gave birth to all that is. Chaos still continues to sweep in to our lives taking charge of things and re-directing our plans for ourselves. It has been chaos that has forced me to follow my path, my purpose. I imagine it is pretty much true for most of us. No one has ever woken up on a bright, sunny morning and said, "Wow! Life is grand. It is without pain, detours and problems. I think I will work on being a better person, making better decisions, walk with God." No, pretty much, we have to feel pain to change. This is none of those things thrown right at you. Thank you, Chaos. Another curve ball.
I cannot say the ditsy, brunette doo itself was and is entirely painful. Not being listened to, asked, consulted or pampered was painful. Truthfully, no one pays big money to have their hair done without expecting to be pampered, otherwise they would do it theirselves. I would do my own doo if it were not for the pampering. What will my inner Goddess do now? She likes herself just the way God made her, but without gray roots.
My Inner Goddess is going to ride shotgun with this strange brunette woman over to the salon next week on the one and only day that the owner is in. Before my Inner Goddess allows Bozo the Brunette to leave the house, she is going to remind her of how the Giant Bully tried to charge her for blow drying her hair as she stood at the counter with a dripping, wet fro. Just before she opens the salon door to meet the owner, Bozo the Brunette will look at a picture of herself with blonde hair giving her all the strength and couage of David. My Inner Goddess has fallen in love with my power, my self-perseverance. She knows that if I am going to continue to become strong in myself, if I am to re-claim my power, I have to address the "little" issues as well as the big bullies. I really like my Inner Goddess. No, I love her.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Act Your Age; No Way!
My grandmother smiles as she walks slowly with her cane toward the camera. She has my mother to her left and my father a step behind her. I use to look at this photograph and miss my Grandmother; that is no longer true. Now, I pick up the faded portrait and I see my parents a few years younger than I am now and I see their children, youngsters, smiling, naïve of the world beyond their homes and naïve of time and I see my Grandmother as a mark of time.
It is not to say that my Grandmother is only an age to me, the memories of her still brings love and joy to my heart. At times, I can smell the strong fragrance of roses which is her way of telling me she is with me. Yet, she is a mark of time, a reminder of the cycle of life and how time has marched on with its own beat, having a conductor unseen and unknown.
Fleetingly, a feeling of sadness for loss and perhaps, a panic of time left to be lived – or not. My mind brings me back quickly to the present, informing me that life is not only a physical experience. Though the physical body is required to have a human experience, I am reminded that having a human experience is our spiritual purpose. It is how our soul will learn. The beloved family members in the photograph may no longer be here physically, but their joy, love and guidance continues. What about me? How long will I live? Will I be my grandmother?
Being a grandmother is not my goal in life, but to live a healthy life helping others to successfully live out their human experience is. It is not my intention to meddle in the lives of others or to dictate a doctrine, a lifestyle or a way of living. Perhaps, the best I have to give, the best any of us have to give is our hearts and our compassion. I choose to leave my Ego at my feet and step over it. I choose to only acknowledge the time that I know I have here without concern for age or death. It is what I do with it that matters.
Aging is a frame of mind, a limiting mindset that builds barriers in our minds. The self-talk we often hear from others becomes their mantra. This mantra of “I am old” quickly is agreed upon by the Ego and soul and becomes reality. The acceptance makes it a belief. The belief then involves the emotions, attracting and creating all that accompanies such a limiting belief.
Is our time worth more than the restraints that we place upon ourselves? Do you we value the unexplained, the new experiences or leaping beyond our comfort level? We marvel at Olympic athletes as if they were gifted and we were not. In all truth, the potential for each of us to shine in an arena of choice and passion exists. The difference is that those who shine and excel have learned to continue to reach down into the well, further and further. When it seems as if the well of abilities, passion, and physical stamina are about out, more is found at the bottom. The question lingers, have we ever drilled our own wells? Have we really lived? Is there more to each of us?
I will continue to look at that faded photograph and see my loving grandmother, my parents, siblings and myself as love frozen in time. This portrait of time, this monument to life will also be a reminder that this moment counts. This very minute, this very second is what I have in my hand; it is a treasure chest. The treasure is what I choose to do with this present. This present moment. This gift.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
In My Child's Mind
There are moments when I truly miss the simple life. Memories of dressing the baby, hanging out diapers and tending the garden bring great joy. I can feel the simplicity of life back then and I close my eyes to capture the essence of those glorious moments.
What did I do so differently? Was I different? Did I manage things differently? The answer is yes to each of those questions. I was the same person, but I was different. I manage my schedule the same way but, now, I manage things differently. I do things differently and yet, the same way as then.
The difference of now and then to each of these questions lies within my heart. I always chose to see the sunshine, the smiles, the abundance of my garden and it's healthy rewards. Though, I continue to see smiles and sunshine, I have allowed life's hardships to cloud them over. I allow the expectations of others to be my expectations. There are times that I have unjustly allowed the harsh judgments of others for the sake of controlling or hurting become my measurements of myself. Yet, I am still me.
In moments when I feel that life is too complicated, I close my eyes and in my mind I travel back further and put myself in my mind and heart as a child. Christmas trees were put up in our bedrooms in July with a branch of an evergreen and paper decorations. I played with played baseball and Tonka trucks with the boys in the neighborhood and played Barbies with the girls. While reading a book, I would become and live the lives of the characters. I would escape my child's life and allow myself to live and feel the hearts of others.
As I re-live these memories, I allow my soul to feel my child's heart. As a child, I lived and played with abandonment,without concern for the thoughts of others . I always cared for their feelings, but their thoughts were left with them. A child's world is caught up in the present moment. Tomorrow is forever away, not even a glimpse of it rests within the mind. Yesterday is over, the joys remain, the pain forgotten and forgiven. The only thing that mattered was playing in the very moment. If it were raining, find a joy around it: ride a water sled made of cardboard in the gushing current down the middle of the street or cut up the Sears and Penneys catalogues and make doll houses in cardboard boxes. The sunshine was for exploring the woods and discovering new plants in the neighbors gardens.
My child's mind understands rules and responsibilities and lives up to them; it just didn't stay focused on them. So, why do I allow this adult version of my child's mind to be strapped in a high chair and fed restraints in the forms of opinions of others and assumptions that I have clearly made up? I practice staying in this child mind and then I prepare to return to present with the intention of finding simplicity, joy and sunshine in each moment.
The world is mine to create. The world as I wish to experience it that is. I wish to only see the sunshine, the joy, the beautiful artwork of God. I continue to find joy in the rewards of making others happy in my work; that is why I have chosen my work. I choose to not worry about the future or live in the past. Even the pressing responsibilities receive only the attention they need to resolve them in the high standards that I live by. For those who are in pain or poor health, my compassion is turned to prayer and love for their sake.
My child's mind wants to play. It wants to continue to explore and see all challenges as only obstacles that need to be jumped, like a puddle in the rain. The little girl still wants to have fun, ride the cardboard down the gully-washers and find peace, serenity, joy and wonder in pleasing only herself. It is my child's mind that inspires not only myself, but those around me. In truth, making yourself happy in turn makes others happy. Simplicity is simple. It only requirs love for yourself; caring for yourself and living, breathing and focusing only on this moment.
What did I do so differently? Was I different? Did I manage things differently? The answer is yes to each of those questions. I was the same person, but I was different. I manage my schedule the same way but, now, I manage things differently. I do things differently and yet, the same way as then.
The difference of now and then to each of these questions lies within my heart. I always chose to see the sunshine, the smiles, the abundance of my garden and it's healthy rewards. Though, I continue to see smiles and sunshine, I have allowed life's hardships to cloud them over. I allow the expectations of others to be my expectations. There are times that I have unjustly allowed the harsh judgments of others for the sake of controlling or hurting become my measurements of myself. Yet, I am still me.
In moments when I feel that life is too complicated, I close my eyes and in my mind I travel back further and put myself in my mind and heart as a child. Christmas trees were put up in our bedrooms in July with a branch of an evergreen and paper decorations. I played with played baseball and Tonka trucks with the boys in the neighborhood and played Barbies with the girls. While reading a book, I would become and live the lives of the characters. I would escape my child's life and allow myself to live and feel the hearts of others.
As I re-live these memories, I allow my soul to feel my child's heart. As a child, I lived and played with abandonment,without concern for the thoughts of others . I always cared for their feelings, but their thoughts were left with them. A child's world is caught up in the present moment. Tomorrow is forever away, not even a glimpse of it rests within the mind. Yesterday is over, the joys remain, the pain forgotten and forgiven. The only thing that mattered was playing in the very moment. If it were raining, find a joy around it: ride a water sled made of cardboard in the gushing current down the middle of the street or cut up the Sears and Penneys catalogues and make doll houses in cardboard boxes. The sunshine was for exploring the woods and discovering new plants in the neighbors gardens.
My child's mind understands rules and responsibilities and lives up to them; it just didn't stay focused on them. So, why do I allow this adult version of my child's mind to be strapped in a high chair and fed restraints in the forms of opinions of others and assumptions that I have clearly made up? I practice staying in this child mind and then I prepare to return to present with the intention of finding simplicity, joy and sunshine in each moment.
The world is mine to create. The world as I wish to experience it that is. I wish to only see the sunshine, the joy, the beautiful artwork of God. I continue to find joy in the rewards of making others happy in my work; that is why I have chosen my work. I choose to not worry about the future or live in the past. Even the pressing responsibilities receive only the attention they need to resolve them in the high standards that I live by. For those who are in pain or poor health, my compassion is turned to prayer and love for their sake.
My child's mind wants to play. It wants to continue to explore and see all challenges as only obstacles that need to be jumped, like a puddle in the rain. The little girl still wants to have fun, ride the cardboard down the gully-washers and find peace, serenity, joy and wonder in pleasing only herself. It is my child's mind that inspires not only myself, but those around me. In truth, making yourself happy in turn makes others happy. Simplicity is simple. It only requirs love for yourself; caring for yourself and living, breathing and focusing only on this moment.
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