Self, Ego, Barriers and Responsibility

It is amazing that there are people who knew what they wanted to be when they grew up. I knew what I wanted to do, but I did not know that it was indeed a career or that I should not be concerned about what others may say about my choice. One wonders how many vibrant, talented and gifted youth have this same problem. Another barrier for those seeking their dreams are the ones created by comments made by others or by parents and teachers. A child who wants to be an actor is made fun of or a teenager who really wants to be a sports commentator is told, "How many sports commentators are there? A few. Pick a career that you can get into." as opposed to saying, "You have what it takes to be one of the few, let me help you plan your goal."

How often has a gesture, facial expression or even a snort caused you to recoil and close up over an issue far less important than your life? You may be choosing something as simple as a hat or a pair of shoes, but someones reaction caused you to back off. Most un-noticed, yet the most damaging of barriers are the comments made by those in your family or social circle about others. Somewhere in the back of our minds we hold these comments as a reminder that our family and friends, too, will pass judgment upon us. Avoiding confrontations or judgment from strangers often creates barriers just as strong as those created by those close to us. Sometimes we fail to overcome these barriers and fears when it is most necessary such as with the young girl who was beaten by other teens as security personnel and travelers looked on without any attempts to help her. Just recently I, too, may have done the very same as the those who just watched this helpless girl.

A mother was letting her two young boys descend upon two other young boys in the post office with blows to their bodies with fists and ninja kicks. The aggressors then continued to run through the legs of the patrons with heavy parcels in their arms walking through. The two young victims looked to their mother with tears. It was heartbreaking to see the mother of the preschool terrorists simply smile and say, "boys, what can you do?" as if that were explanation enough.

I stood there gaping and I know a look of bewilderment. Should I have had the courage to ask the mother if she felt is was appropriate for her sons to behave like bullies? Should I have come to the rescue of the mother who did not know how to respond to the Ninja mom? Perhaps Ninja mom did not know that children who are raised without boundaries are prey for preditors. In her silence and acceptance, does she see her sons behaviors as a sign that they are socially developed and responsible and no longer in need her guidance? As a silent bystander was I giving my approval and acceptance to her behavior as well as the unwanted behavior of the two preschoolers who were now twisting the arms of the polite little boys and laughing about it?

Witnessing the acceptance of this cruel behavior provoked the vision of the preschoolers at ages 10 and 16. Finding power in hurting others as a child is part of the ego, but as children develop and grow they learn to control and balance their ego a their SELF for their own sake and the sake of others. Our role as parents is not to spawn them and let live and find themselves. Responsible parenting is teaching them how to find self as opposed to allowing the Id, the Ego of the child find and control them. Parenting is a process that requires us to use every opportunity that presents itself to teach our children about themself-self, life, choices. To honor and love a child is the way to teach him/her to honor and love him/her self.

How many times have I stood and watched with utter despair as a parent failed their child by re-enforcing a behavior that was not just socially unacceptable, but detrimental to the personal growth of the child. Children learn to nurture and love others through and by parents which nurture and love them. Sometimes, loving a child means not allowing undesireable behavior. Even more, boundaries and the word no can show more love than a new toy or few bucks. A middle school student once remarked that her parents could not possibly love her because they let her ride her bike on Highway 24 from her home into town; which was dangerous and not even ridden by avid bikers in the area. She equated her parents unwillingness to say no to her as to how much they loved her or in this case, did not love her.

Parenting is like coaching, every play is a coaching opportunity. As a society we understand this and accept it. Approaching parenting in the same vein is an effective process. Parenting is just not disciplining, it is asking questions about how a child feels about what they experienced or what they saw. Parenting is helping a child learn to discern emotions from self and fact from opinion.

Can we as a society- as humans- accept someones concern for our children without prejudice? Do we help each other parent without concern of hositilities? When is it acceptable and desired to help a parent "see" parenting?

My mind continued to mull the situation over in the post office as the mother continued to relinquish her responsiblities of keeping her boys safe. I mentally made a note that this issue would be one I must ponder, examine and meditate on. Am I too,as a human being, responsible for the behavior or safety of those around me? Do I honor their life, their future? Is it the mental barrier that I would be meddling that is creating this dilemma within myself? Is it the comments of those standing around or the gestures that prevent us all from taking action? Is that what happened in that subway where the girl was beaten by other teens while adults looked on?

Or, as when we were children does fear of what others will think of us or say to us that compels us to disregard our selves when making choices that represent who we are, what we want to be? Does fear drive us to discard our faith in service to others? Perhaps it is time to leave my ego and be my Self. Honor thy Self. Honor life and all that is and having faith that I act out of respect, compassion and service.

Entitlement: Confusion between Needs and Wants

My niece, Heather was incredibly concerned that she was alone in the world in her observation of the number of people around her that behave with a sense of disregarding entitlement. She had several responses in support that she was not crazy and that this social maladay was quite prevalent indeed. What struck me was not the observation that my niece had made, but the fact that none of the posts that followed offered a solution. In the very least, none offered a hint that we, society, are at fault for accepting this contagious thought process.

There is a definate need for health insurance for those who cannot afford it. I can relate to those who support the efforts. On the other hand, I support those who are against those suggestions and efforts that have been made concerning the health care reform. The key is the phrase,"cannot afford it." What do we make available to those who have cell phones for themselves, their children, nice cars, brand name clothes, gold bling and other expensive jewelry items? Those who cannot afford it are those who do not have any money, not those who have the money but do not prioritize their health and the welfare of their families before the instantaneous need for material and status quo expenditures.

This is not a judgment of the haves and have nots. This is reality. Do I work hard for my money to allow someone else to spend my money on their necessities while they spend their payroll/assistance on expenditures that are not necessary for good health and safety? Perhaps, instead of continuing to blindly give and give - we should teach the masses to fish. Our first important goal is to clarify the difference between needs and wants. We should model and teach our masses to prioritize by basic needs and to create different savings accounts for different wants. Most of all, we should expect patience, integrity and compassion. Compassion for the children we choose to give life to. Compassion to teach our children to find happiness and rewards intrinsically as opposed to extrinsically.

None of us have ever appreciated the A that we received for doing absolutely nothing; it was the A that took everything that we had to earn it.

I Didn't Mean To

When the children were growing up you could count on the fact that during playtime one of the children would "hurt" one of the others and the sincere explanation was that he or she did not mean to hurt their brother or sister. My matter of fact response was, "Did you mean NOT to ?". Perhaps there were too many jumpers on the trampoline and the last one on did not take the time to intend to be safe and stay off. Perhaps, one of them did not intend to keep in mind to keep a safe distance away from the other in bounce wars. At the very least, did the one who hurt the other only want something for himself/herself with disregard to safety or respect to the others? Whether the children perceived the meaning of the phrase, "Did you mean NOT to?" at such a young age I can only guess, but I believe that at some point they all managed to figure it out.

As young adults, my children behave in a way that reflects their intentions to be mindful of others, to mean to. I am proud and moved quite often by their actions with the intent to consider and do for others. My first realization that they were always thoughtful was on a day we all were shopping. My oldest son commented as he folded the clothes that he had tried on that he should clean up after himself because the clerks worked hard for a living and they were not paid to clean up after him. I followed him through the store like a puppy as he retraced his steps to replace the unwanted items back and giving thanks for such a great kid. Each of the three children have demonstrated this consideration for others on many occasions and humbly expecting nothing in return.

I still hear, "I did not mean to", but not from my children. It may be in a classroom, in a marriage retreat or even said in a doctors office. The words are said with sincerity, and yet, I have to wonder if there was ever really a thought of or an intention for the event or choice not to have happened. Consider a spouse who had uttered the words, "I did not mean to have an affair." Logic only seems to beg the question,"Did you mean not to have an affair?" Did this person choose not to have too many drinks which may have led them to poor judgment? Did he/she have their spouse to the forefront of their mind with complete respect and consideration? Did they mean not to let their need for immediate gratification put themselves and their partner in danger of being on the receiving side of STD's?

A student choosing to watch television or play WII did not mean to neglect their academic responsibility, yet they did not choose to set their academic responsibility as a priority. Even worse, the student did not choose to put their longterm success in life first, they did not choose to put their dreams, their goals and their ability to be a self-supporting member of society doing what he or she chose to do with thier career- as opposed to having to just settle for a job. The student did not practice resisting the need for instant gratification off for just a short bit until a more important action took place first.

Emotions are hard to decipher and to understand. Learning to understand and deal with our emotions takes a great deal of energy, courage and strength. Good health requires no less. No, we do not mean to gain weight, possibly developing diabetes. We did not mean to become an alcoholic or become addicted to drugs. Did we mean not to? Was it our intention to honor our health when we ate something just because it tasted good, knowing that it was not good for us? Was it respecting ourselves and our family when we choose to have that instant gratification of feeling good over learning to deal with life? It could be fast food, drugs, tobacco or alcohol, is it a choice you did not mean to make?

In teachng students logic we use the if...then statements. If you want to get well, you will take your medicine. Then, conversely, You did not take your medicine, therefore, you did not want to get well. This same logic applies to choices each of us makes every day. Do we choose to be mentally and/or physically healthy? Do we choose to respect others, in turn respecting ourselves? Do we choose integrity and human life or do we mean not to? By not choosing to intend, we choose to have made a decision to mean to let it happen as it may.

As parents or mindful adults in the lives of others, we must model what it takes to succeed at being a person who has meant to do something. Others do not learn by listening, they learn by emulating, by observing and be being recipients of good will and good intentions. We all learn by doing, by practicing and sometimes by failing. Sometimes, we learn the most from our failures. What is most important is that you do not fail to keep and use mindful intentions in which the failures are those that you can not recover.

Why is it that I have several dreams that are clearly remembered here in our home in Germany, but not in my home stateside? At least not as many dreams. Some are creative like the one where I lived in a forest and I was ashamed of my old table, therefore I covered it with a cloth I had crocheted. Royalty stopped often for water, to eat and to rest and often to cool off; they would enter my home as they had the right to. This dream went on until I became the first person to use "linens" on my table and real silver to eat with. Some dreams are directional and one was violent like the one that I had last night when I had my arm cut off because I tried to help a victim of violence. The dream did not upset me, but the wonder of why I had the dream or what was I to learn from it did awaken me.

I had read that you must write your dreams down or at least discuss them in detail with someone to understand the significance of the dream. Years ago during the darkest days of my life I had a dream that it was a dark, black night and I stood at the top of a bluff overlooking the city of Colorado Springs. It was so dark that the form of Pikes Peak was not visable and the valley was without electricity or lights. No cars, no candles,nothing. There was a spiral of light, similar to winding galaxy of stars swirling to the earth where the city should have been. I wondered if this was what the end of our world would look like. At that moment I found myself in a dimmly lit tent, similar to one that would be found in a painting of the Civil War. I walked to the door and peered out into the darkness and at that moment, Amanda, my daughter found me. She and I tearfully embraced and searched for her brothers. Within moments we found the youngest, Dana and the three of us stood outside the tent holding hands in a circle facing each other. In the soft light emitting from the tent we prayed for George, the eldest and in our hearts we believed that he was well and safe. In time, George tentatively approached us and he took his place in our circle.

The next morning I was unusually energetic as I reflected on the dream on the way to work. I told the story of the dream often and with each telling I became more excited in the realization that the dream was a prophecy. The darkness was my world as it was then, my daughter would be the first to understand and come to me and Dana would soon follow. It would be the most difficult for George to see the truth through the darkness and to join Amanda, Dana and I as a family and to know that forgiveness was not necessary for himself or others.

Each detail of the dream remains clear. The purpose, the meaning of the dream has proven exactly to be as it was interpreted. For this I am grateful. It is not only important to remember this dream because it continues to give me hope and peace in those moments of darkness as it did then, but having a dream such as this one filled with hope, love and compassion signifies that not all dreams fortell of death and illness. For many years I was afraid to dream, afraid of the visions of death and illness. Today, I humbly embrace and am thankful for the gift of dreams.

Self Discovery- Healers and Science

For years I have been intriqued with the technique of healing with your hands. I realized that the energy to heal with your hands came from beyond yourself, but I needed to understand the "how" of it. It is very seldom that why or how something works matters to me, perhaps the need to understand this particular phenonmenon existed because of all the activities of the universe, this one means the most to me.

On Friday, after coming to terms with my grieving and my re-claiming my existence, I allowed myself to be directed innately and ended up in a bookstore. This seemed ludicrous as I have at least six books that I need to finish. I wandered through the store and found myself in front of a magazine rack picking up a publication. I skimmed through several before deciding on three solely for their lack of ads and their abundance of articles. Never in my wildest of dreams would I have guessed that any of the articles would bring such joy and excitement to me.

The newest research continues to show how light (LED, red and infared) is used to speed up healing and how bacteria grows in distilled liquid showing that the cell mass may be gone, but the electromagnetic waves continue to exist, measurable by heat and light. Basically, light- and its electromagnetic signature- governs our lives. The research continues to healing properties of light.

Taking this science and looking at healers who heal with their hands one must ask, what kind of energy or light do they use to heal with? Is it electromagnetic? Is it divine? Many scoff at this idea of those who can heal with their hands, but these same people are mystified by David Copperfield who uses energy to move or bend objects without touching them. Is it that the masses are willing to believe in a magician but not the touch of another human being or do perhaps, we do not feel worthy of what we may perceive as Divine or Sacred?

Healing with light is being researched around the world and continues to have sound data (where the p. value is less than .003). I do not claim to be a scientist or a mathematician, but I can appreciate the data. More so, I can find great comfort in the knowledge that NASA, the University of Arizona, the University of Sevilla Spain amnng others are using light and energy to heal and find successful medical treatments that do not use chemical toxins. Even more so, the research shows how homeopathy is most not a placebo, but is based on an electromagnetic signature.

This blog can be heavy in terms, but the most significant point is that continued research will provide insight to how healing works for those who use their hands or the energy of the patient. More importantly, the continued research may bring to those who heal with their hands acceptance and recognition by the medical community and others.

What if He Was Jesus

The young man approached me and looked me right in the eye and told me that he was hungry. He then asked for money so that he and his dog may eat. His green eyes were penetrating; his eyes were full of compassion, love, pain and hope. I was completely arrested, and yet, my entire being was moved. I was in awe and speechless and enveloped in time and space that I was aware of nothing else but him and this moment in time.

I cannot call the man a beggar, though many of those who passed us by would. There were many beggars around the Cathedral in Cordoba, Spain. Some were honest to tell you that they wanted money to buy alchohol and some begged for money for unknown reasons. Other than a young woman who grabbed my arm and begged so that she could feed her unborn child, he was the only one to directly approach anyone and why did he approach me?

I wondered why he chose me as the streets were busy and I was with my daughter and husband, both who freely give and are easily approachable. It was not possible to divert my eyes, he held my gaze and without reservation or thought I dug deep into my pocket for any money that I had. Only when I had realized that I did not have any money to give the man, would he release the hold he had on me - on my mind- on my soul. I reached for my husband's hand who was offering me the money for the incredible soul who stood before me. As the young man received the money he expressed his gratitude, not only with words, but with his eyes. His eyes. His eyes were like a window to his soul and to humanity. They welled up with tears and beyond the tears and the gratitude was a Grace, a Joy and Love.

My family and I walked through the streets and I found myself haunted by this man. I could still see him, shirtless, wearing shorts and flimsy sandals; his dog, well behaved and well taken care of. I felt compelled to find him, to give him more money and to ask where he was staying and what could we do to help. We traced our steps back through the city toward the Cathedral and we searched doorways, steps and crowds of young people looking for him. He was nowhere to be found.

Utter sadness came over me as well as shame for not giving more, for asking questions, for trying harder to help when he asked. With this shame, humility and sadness I also felt a great sense of love and forgiveness. I felt a greater need to search for opportunities to help those who were unable to reach for it. I felt a loss which was also accompanied with peace.

I may have left Cordoba, but the man has never left me. His eyes and all that he was still resides with me. The moment remains forefront in my mind and his being continues to touch mine. How divine, incredibly Devine.

Posting my blog yesterday left me with the realization that I had spent two months grieving and allowing myself to wallow in self pity as well. I also came to see that I am accountable to myself to live my life today and everyday because it is a gift. To honor this gift of Life, I would not only honor myself, but my family and God as well. I made up my mind right then and there stop feeling sorry for myself and to live- to engage- to put all of my energy, intentions and expectations into a full and complete day of activities that were productive.

I am not dead. My father will only be dead in the physical world. I should be rejoicing that he is on his journey home. Life here is an opportunity, an experience that needs action or then it would just be an existence.

I cannot believe that this realization, this accountablity made such a difference for me, but it did. Even better, it was not a one day thing. As with any acknowledgement that truly is felt in your heart and understood with all of your being, it will be with me forever.

As I make today all that I can, all that it should be.

Accepting the Gift of Intuitive Knowing

I have been greiving for two months for something that has not happened yet, though in my soul, in my being, I know and have known that it is inevitable. It is a curse and a blessing to know such things before they happen, but it is a gift that I am now on a mission to learn to live with. It is almost as if it is a journey I am compelled to make whether I want to or not. If you think about it, it happens without my consent, therefore I may as well learn to understand it and use it in a manner that helps me to finish out my life as a spiritual being having a human experience.

Unexpectedly, my father arrived at my door after driving for several hours from out of state. It would not be such a big deal except he is 80 years old and he drove alone. Making it all more exceptional that he arrived safely, I noticed that he appeared to have suffered a stroke as he slurred hello with his crooked mouth. But, all of that did not hit me as hard as the vision that I was given- to "see" cancer riddled throughout his body. It was the knowing that he had very little time and knowing without asking a question that the apparent stroke was not a stroke at all, but just the symptoms of a stroke.

Dad lumbered his way onto the porch as I unloaded his Jimmy and parked it behind the house. The neighbor had just made some chicken salad sandwiches and I shared these with my father, working hard to keep myself in check as I waited for an explanation that I was not going to get. It was obvious that he needed to rest and I used this to excuse myself to work on the yard and myself as well.

Some people drink to deal with things, some people become very dramatic and call everyone they know, I dig in the garden, weed, rake, shovel or iron. On this day, I raked. Over the next several days I continued to rake until it snowed and then I shoveled. I shoveled for hours. Then I potted plants and cleaned house and still the words did not come for either of us. I understood. Dad could not say the words, he could not handle the reaction of tears and pity to follow. I could not say the words because I did not know what he knew. I believed then and I believe now that he innately knew, but he still had hope because he had not yet finished the tests and seen all the necessary specialists.

I grieved as I raked. I continued to grieve when I arrived to his home and began to clean and call specialists and wait on him hand and foot. Still, the hope continued that my vision was wrong, that his continued spiral downhill was due to the brain tumor and it would all go away after treatment. Then, the last shred of hope was bestowed upon one last specialist and it died there.

I continue to grieve. He has not died yet and he has agreed to treatment, but I have learned to stop shutting out the "knowing" and accept it. I have learned that this gift is not a willing or a wanting of something bad to happen; that if I ignore it, it will go away, not happen. I am not that powerful.

No, one experience does not make it so. It would be arrogant to believe that I have this gift because of this innate knowing with my father. I have lived this before, many times. I dreamt about my step-father's funeral for a month preceding his unexpected death. For years I believed that if I did not dream, then I could not dream something to happen. That proved to be false logic when I realized that I could see death in the living, in the daytime, in their energy. It proved to be false logic when friends would find themselves freaked out because I knew solutions to their problems to which they never confided.

I realize that I am one person who is witnessing only the death, the cycle of life, the natural progression of things in only my life and community. It brings me to have great compassion and empathy for oncologists, nurses and ER staff and others that must deal with the pain of the living day in and day out. How incredibly painful it must be to be a OB and tell your patient that something is wrong with her baby. The pain of loss does not wait until the holiday is over or the living is stronger which affects the personal lives of these professionals. How selfish would it be of me to feel sorry for myself over the visions of my losses when they are inevitable anyway? My losses are all a part of my journey and they are not done in service to others. It is all relevant.

One positive thing about grieving before the death happens is that it allows me to be there for the living after the fact. It will allow me to be in the moment when that chapter of the journey needs to be lived. It allows me to be in service to others at the time when they need it most.