I Didn't Mean To

When the children were growing up you could count on the fact that during playtime one of the children would "hurt" one of the others and the sincere explanation was that he or she did not mean to hurt their brother or sister. My matter of fact response was, "Did you mean NOT to ?". Perhaps there were too many jumpers on the trampoline and the last one on did not take the time to intend to be safe and stay off. Perhaps, one of them did not intend to keep in mind to keep a safe distance away from the other in bounce wars. At the very least, did the one who hurt the other only want something for himself/herself with disregard to safety or respect to the others? Whether the children perceived the meaning of the phrase, "Did you mean NOT to?" at such a young age I can only guess, but I believe that at some point they all managed to figure it out.

As young adults, my children behave in a way that reflects their intentions to be mindful of others, to mean to. I am proud and moved quite often by their actions with the intent to consider and do for others. My first realization that they were always thoughtful was on a day we all were shopping. My oldest son commented as he folded the clothes that he had tried on that he should clean up after himself because the clerks worked hard for a living and they were not paid to clean up after him. I followed him through the store like a puppy as he retraced his steps to replace the unwanted items back and giving thanks for such a great kid. Each of the three children have demonstrated this consideration for others on many occasions and humbly expecting nothing in return.

I still hear, "I did not mean to", but not from my children. It may be in a classroom, in a marriage retreat or even said in a doctors office. The words are said with sincerity, and yet, I have to wonder if there was ever really a thought of or an intention for the event or choice not to have happened. Consider a spouse who had uttered the words, "I did not mean to have an affair." Logic only seems to beg the question,"Did you mean not to have an affair?" Did this person choose not to have too many drinks which may have led them to poor judgment? Did he/she have their spouse to the forefront of their mind with complete respect and consideration? Did they mean not to let their need for immediate gratification put themselves and their partner in danger of being on the receiving side of STD's?

A student choosing to watch television or play WII did not mean to neglect their academic responsibility, yet they did not choose to set their academic responsibility as a priority. Even worse, the student did not choose to put their longterm success in life first, they did not choose to put their dreams, their goals and their ability to be a self-supporting member of society doing what he or she chose to do with thier career- as opposed to having to just settle for a job. The student did not practice resisting the need for instant gratification off for just a short bit until a more important action took place first.

Emotions are hard to decipher and to understand. Learning to understand and deal with our emotions takes a great deal of energy, courage and strength. Good health requires no less. No, we do not mean to gain weight, possibly developing diabetes. We did not mean to become an alcoholic or become addicted to drugs. Did we mean not to? Was it our intention to honor our health when we ate something just because it tasted good, knowing that it was not good for us? Was it respecting ourselves and our family when we choose to have that instant gratification of feeling good over learning to deal with life? It could be fast food, drugs, tobacco or alcohol, is it a choice you did not mean to make?

In teachng students logic we use the if...then statements. If you want to get well, you will take your medicine. Then, conversely, You did not take your medicine, therefore, you did not want to get well. This same logic applies to choices each of us makes every day. Do we choose to be mentally and/or physically healthy? Do we choose to respect others, in turn respecting ourselves? Do we choose integrity and human life or do we mean not to? By not choosing to intend, we choose to have made a decision to mean to let it happen as it may.

As parents or mindful adults in the lives of others, we must model what it takes to succeed at being a person who has meant to do something. Others do not learn by listening, they learn by emulating, by observing and be being recipients of good will and good intentions. We all learn by doing, by practicing and sometimes by failing. Sometimes, we learn the most from our failures. What is most important is that you do not fail to keep and use mindful intentions in which the failures are those that you can not recover.