Dear son - my firstborn and treasured child,

    Gazing upon the picture of you and your girlfriend I see sheer happiness and love. Your eyes dance, even in the pouring rain. For the first time in many years, I see the little boy who loves life. I write this letter to you, not to relay my approval, but to hopefully further open the door to your heart and to release all fears of abandonment, release all pain incurred by eroneous misunderstandings and to release all misconceptions of how a loved one behaves toward another. I am not in your daily life enabling me to have these parental discussions with you, maybe in time I will be.
     You have heard many things about me, many of those you are unaware of my knowledge of them. Ah, your mind asks how could I know about them? Your lack of communication, your body language when you have just spent time with certain individuals, your defensiveness on those occasions and the mere fact that you seem to have only one parent and it does not seem to be me. I am exceptionally insightful, perceptive and quite often I am given these truths.

    There is nothing that I can defend or say. You see, to defend myself would be to speak truthfully about individuals which would not only place you in the middle by both parents actions, it would also cause you greater pain than you already are experiencing. To share with you the truths behind my actions would be just as destructive. It is not my intent to ask you choose sides nor is it my intent to place upon you the heavy burden truth that should remain  only between the two individuals that it belongs to.

   My loving son, you are the most compassionate, loving, giving human being. You are always more than fair to others, maybe sometimes to the point you are not fair to yourself. You are a peacemaker. I am sorry to have made peace in your presence to the exclusion of loving myself. I believed that keeping peace at all cost was protecting all three of you children to learn that I really was teaching you to sell yourself out at all costs. Please forgive me.

   Looking back I recollect the days, nights and weekends that I did not see you during the tumultuous times. It was not because I abandoned you or was not there- I was. Your brother and sister were with me always. Holidays, during your games and wrestling matches, before school and after. Each school day I would be with them doing laundry, cooking dinner, assisting with homework and even cleaning the house. My departure from Lovell Gulch was always just before you came home, not out of not wanting to see you, but because of my need to have safe departure and to ensure calm seas for the three of you. I missed you then so terribly. The pain was unbearable prompting me to move back in after the divorce thinking that being a mother was far more important than anything I would have to endure.

   Son, I never left you. I was demanded to leave the first time. Having already found the phone numbers, home addresses and phone bills, I accepted that your father had already moved on and was dating while we were married was not conducive to fighting to stay that horrible night that you overheard his command. So much happened behind closed doors, so much happened outside of your home. It is not something I wish to inflict upon you nor re-live by writing it to you. For so long, I thought you would ask questions so I kept boxes and boxes of evidence of my innocence. I often hoped you would want to know, you would question what you were told.  Now, it doesn't matter.

   You matter - what you know doesn't matter. I trust in you, your love, your Spirit. You see son, I have seen the "knowing" in you. I have witnessed your heart and your ability to love, love yourself and others.  I have felt your Spirit. I have had the honor of knowing that you kept a promise given on a deathbed demonstrating your integrity. You have worked for goals with perserverance, determination and intense focus. You have given to others out of extreme compassion without ever a thought of what was in it for you. You are one of the most honest people I know. I am very blessed to witness your Spirit in life.

     I remember observing you "knowing" things small children do not know, reading the Bible which seemed to be inspired from some need within and I remember so many occasions when you would speak the truth as you experienced it. There were times I vividly remember watching with great awe and shock as I witnessed the verbal lashing you would receive as you stood standing bravely in your truthfulness, the vehemently spoken words thrown at you changing your reality, your knowing.

Having your paradigm or your reality shifted is not an accusation of weakness nor considered a fault. It is an incredible manipulation of the mind. I could see it. I understand it because I lived it myself. To explain it more clearly son, it could be likened to Doublethink and Doublespeak as demonstrated in George Orwell's, 1984. This is not something one is aware of, it is subtle. It is a learned behavior. It follows the belief and statement often used, "A good defense is a good offense." I often blamed myself from not saving you from this experience, yet, with time, I have learned that it was not my place to do so. No more than it was my mother's place to save me from it either. What is important is what I now do as a mother to assist your healing.

As I pray daily with the intention of your healing and strength I pray for courage that you may feel your Soul, know thy Spirit, to feel your heart so full of love, I do not pray with the intention to change your reality. It is my intention to ask your forgiveness as I have not been successful in winning the ability to stay in your life and by doing so, help you to stay true to your soul, your truth.

Dear son, I do not wish to ever hash "he said she said". I do not wish to ever discuss the past and  have never desired to, at least in the past six years. It is why I have always remained silent. As a lawyer you know that the innocent does not need to prove their innocence, the accuser must bear the responsibility of proving one's guilt. I do not need to prove my innocence, and should I have wanted to prove anyone's guilt I had ample boxes of ammunition. Yet, I stayed silent. I still do. You are that important to me.

    Your life, your being is so very important to me. So much so, that as I have written in the beginning that to impart your parents truth upon you would be to impart harsh, unbearable pain. I have lived those truths, it is unnecessary for you to live them. You have your own dark moments to endure and live through. All that I desire is to be your mother. I wish to be allowed to shower you with attention, love, gifts and support. I long to hold you, hug you and share your most joyous moments as well as those which cause you grief. I pine to be let in. I seek to be released from punishment of a crime not committed and above all, again, to be your mother.